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Showing posts with label Joks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Joks. Show all posts

Thursday, July 14, 2011

WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES

WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES

I SEE YOUR FACE,

YOUR SMILE SHINES SO BRIGHT

I AM IN PARADISE.

 

WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES

I CAN SEE THE STARS,

YOU CAME INTO MY LIFE

NOW I KNOW WHERE YOU ARE

 

WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES

YOU ARE ALL I SEE

YOU ARE HEAVEN TO ME.

 

WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES

THIS FEELING NEVER ENDS

PLEASE GUIDE ME FROM THIS UNKNOWN

MAKE ME YOUR VERY OWN.

 

WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES

I SEE BEAUTY ALL AROUND

I CAN HEAR THE BIRDS SING,

WE ARE WALKING IN THE SAND

YOU ARE WITH ME

HOLDING MY HAND.

 

WHEN I OPEN MY EYES

YOU ARE REALLY THERE,

TO TAKE AWAY MY TROUBLES

YOU DO SO MUCH TO CARE.

 

I WILL KEEP MY EYES WIDE OPEN

LOOK AT THINGS, I DID NOT SEE,

WE HAVE A DREAM COME TRUE

IT WILL ALWAYS LAST WITH YOU AND ME

 

Jinki tamanna dilme thi,

Judai ab hum unki sehte hai,

fursat nahi unhein humse baat karne ki,

isliye hum har waqt khamosh se rehte hai...

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Words from married wise men...

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

-David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

-Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

-Anonymous

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is,"What does a woman want?"

-Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

-Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'

-Anonymous

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'

-Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives.

The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'

-James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

-Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....

-Nash

You know what I did before I married?

Anything I wanted to.

-Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.

Then we met.

-Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

-Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the cl-assifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

-Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

-Anonymous

SEND THIS TO ALL THE GUYS TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LAUGH......AND TO THOSE LADIES WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR WHO CAN HANDLE IT!

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Its Balle Balle time again!

Sardarji one

Manager asked sardar at an interview.
-Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Sardar replied: P-O-S-T-B-O-X.

Sardarji two

After returning from a foreign trip, sardar asked his wife - Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! Why?
Sardar: In London a lady asked me “are you a foreigner?”

Sardarji three

One tourist from U.S.A. asked Sardar:
Any great man born in this village?
Sardar: No sir, only small babies!!!

Sardarji four

Lecturer: Write a note on Gandhi Jayanti
So Sardar writes - Gandhi was a great man, but I don't know who is Jayanti.

Sardarji five

Interviewer: Just imagine you are on the third floor, and it has caught fire, so how will you escape?
Sardar: Its simple. I will stop my imagination!

Sardarji six

Sardar: My mobile bill how much?
Call centre: Sir, just dial 123 to know current bill status.
Sardar: Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL.

Sardarji seven

Sardar: I think that girl is deaf.
Friend: How do u know?
Sardar: I told I love her, but she said her chappals are new.

Sardarji eight

Friend: I got a brand new Ford IKON for my wife.
Sardar: Wow!!! That's an unbelievable exchange offer!

Sardarji nine

Sardar attending an interview.
Manager: Do you know MS Office?
Sardar: If you give me the address I will go there sir.

Sardarji ten

Sardar in airplane going to Bombay.
While it is landing he is excited and shouts: Bombay.. Bombay
Airhostess: Be silent.
Sardar: Ok. Ombay… Ombay!

Funny

4 sardaro ne mil ke petrol pump khola.
1 bhi customer nahi aaya ..
Kyun..?
#
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petrol pump was on 1st floor..
*Chal ek aur*
Fir charo ne usi floor pe restuarent khola.
1 bhi customer nahi..
Kyu..?
#
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petrol pump ka board nahi hataya..
*Chal ek aur*
Fir charo ne 1 taxi li.
1 bhi sawari nahi.
Kyu..?
#
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2 sardar aage and 2 piche baith ke sawari dhund rahe the..
*Chal ek aur*
Taxi
kharab ho gayi.
Charo ne khub dhakka lagaya.
but taxi wahi ki wahi.
Kyu..?
#
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2 aage se and 2 piche se dhakka de rahe the..
*Chal ek aur*
Fir charo ne 1 bachhe ko
kidnap kiya.
Bachhe ko kaha ghar ja apne baap se 5 lac rs le ke aa.
warna tujhe maar denge.
Bachha ghar gaya aur uske papa ne paise de bhi diye.
Kyu..?
#
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bachhe ka baap bhi sardar tha..

Good jokes-sardar again

Why does a sardar study in front of mirror?
Ans.
1) It saves revision time.
2) He likes combined studies.
3) Lastly he wants sum1 2 keep an eye on him.....


Sardar saw a board at the center of a pond
He tried to read but couldn’t


At last he swims to the center of the pond just to read
“Crocodile present, don’t swim”


2 Sardars bank lootne gaye,
Par gun bhool gaye…
Phir bhi bank loot liya
Kaise???
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Bank Manager bhi sardar tha. Bola
“I trust you, gun kal dikha dena”
One day sardar found cigarette in daughter’s room
“Oh God, she smokes?”
Then found whisky,
“Oh God, she drinks?”
Then finally saw a nude boy,
“Thank god, toh yeh sab is munde ka hai”
Santa ke pita USA se aaye.
Pita: teri maa kahan hai?
Santa: Woh toh marr gayee!
Pita: Saale tune mujhe bataya q nahin?
Santa : Maine socha aapko surprise dunga
Santa ko koi mobile pe tang karta tha
Santa ne new sim car kharid kar usse sms kiya
“Mene woh sim band kar diya hai, ab tu toh kya tera baap bhi mujhe tang
nahin kar sakta“
Santa : I kiss my wife before i go to office
Friend: I also kiss your wife after you go to your office
Santa: Haha.., but I am first!
Sardar: Raat bhar train mein neend hi nahin aayee, upar ka seat mila tha…
Dost: Toh exchange kyun nahin kiya
Sardar: Arrey bewakoof, kisse karta... neeche ke seat pe koi bhi nahin tha.
Santa: Is mirror ki kya guarentee hai:
Shopkeeper: Aap isse 100 floor se niche girao, ye mirror 99 floor tak nahin
tutega
Sardar: Wah!! Pack it..
Sardarni: Lo light chale gayee
Sardar: Light chali gayee toh kya, fan chalu kar
Sardarni: Lo ki na vahi sardaron waal baat,
Agar fan chalu kiya toh mombatti bhuj nahin jayega
Sardar ko ladki hui
Sardarni: Sunoji, jab yeh badi hogi toh ladke usse patayengey
Sardar: oye, koi gal nahin kushwinder, maine is problem ka solution dhoond
liya hai
Sardarni: Kya?
Sardar: Hum iska naam “Didi” rakhengey
Sardar's dad died and he was crying
after a couple of minutes sardar cries Louder.
Friend :- What happened now?
Sardar :- My sister just call me. Her dad also died......
Postman :- Oye Pappe ! pata hai muje yeh packet deliver karne k liye 5 mile
chalna pada.
Sardarji :- Kyu? Aap Courier kar dete. ........
Ek sardar puri zindgi sochta raha, sochta raha
..
sochta raha
...
..
..
..
..
...
..
sochta raha
..
..
..
..
...
..
..
...aur sochte sochte mar gaya ke agar meri sister ke 2 bhai hai to mere
kyu nhi...
Nasa ne 3 sardaro ko chand pe bheja, rocket uda magar adhe raste se vapas
aaya.
..
Unko pucha gaya to bole... : Aaj amaswas hai chand to nhi hoga.......
If sardar want to dial 9449494494..
..
how will he dial........?
..
..
...
..
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...
..
..He will first dial ..... 94494
and then "REDIAL".....................
Waiter gives bill to Sardar ji.
Sardar: Take this card.
Waiter: But sir, this is Ration Card
Sardar:So what? You hv writen ALL CARD ACCEPTED.......
Once a Sardar was roaming in d jungle
suddenly he saw a snake hanging on d tree
..
..
sardar goes little closer 2 dat tree nearly d snak
And he said: " ese latak ne se height nhi badhti, mummy ko bolo COMPLAIN
pee laye.. "..
Sardar n Wife waiting 4 train
Itane me PUNJAB MAIL aayi,
Sardar bhag k train me chad gaya aur
wife se bola Jab PUNJAB FEMALE aaye to chad ja....
Sardar: Yeh kela(banana) kaisa diya?
Shopkeeper: 1Rs.
sardar: 60 Paisa ka deta hai?
S.K: 60 paise mein to sirf chilka milega.
Sardar:Ley 40 paisay, chilka rakh aur kela day de........
One day a Santaji talking with his friend....
Santa ji: We have to learn Telugu within 6 months or
we will not be able to communicate with my child.
Friend: Is it! Why?
Santaji: We have adopted a telugu child and it will start to speak after 6
months. ..
Santa: Parso meri biwi kuwe me gir gayi,
bahut chot lagi, bahut chilla rahi thi.
..
Banta: Ab kaisi hai wo..?
..
Santa: Ab theek hi hogi,
kal se kuwe se awaz nhi aa rahi hai..
once saradji..was drinking water......
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arrey ab kya ek sardar chain se paani bhi naih pi sakta..ismein bhi joke
chahiye tumhe...
jaan lelo bechare sardaron ki...
hahaha….

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Teacher and Student

Teacher: Tum bade hokar kya karoge ?
Student: shaadi..!!!!!!

Teacher: nahi, mera matlab hai kya banoge?.....
Student: dulha.!!!!!!!!!!!

Teacher: oh, i mean bade hokar kya hasil karoge?
Student: dulhan

Teacher: IDIOT mera matlab bade ho kar mummy papa k liye kya karoge?
Student- bahu laaunga

Teacher: stupid tumhare papa tumse kya chahte hai?
Student: pota

Teacher: he bhagwan, tumari zindagi ka kya maksad hai?
Student: hum do humare do :)

 

- Love Nismi                                 Give Comment

Friday, July 30, 2010

Software Engineers Sing The Song of 3 Idiots

How does software engineers sing the song of 3 idiots?


Saari umar hum
Coding kar ke jee liye
Ek pal to ab humein jeene do
Jeene do


Saari umar hum
Errors fix kar ke jee liye
Ek pal to ab humein jeene do
Jeene do


Saari umar hum
Nightouts kar ke jee liye
Ek pal to ab humein jeene do
Jeene do


Na na na….Na na na….Na na na….Na na nana na….


Give me bed of mine....
Give me some peace of Mind... ..
Give me another night...
i wanna sleep once again..

 
Kandhon ko programming
Ke bojh ne jhukaya
Faltu program banana to khud
Team Lead ne sikhaya
50% without errors bana to botal chadi,
varna neend udi.


Likh likh kar code hatheli par
Functions, procedures, modules ka chaala
Repeated Programming errors ne poora
Poora jawani ka maza jalaa daala


Jawani to gayi
Sar k bal bhi gaye
Ek pal to ab humein
Jeene do jeene do


Jawani to gayi
Girlfriend bhi gayi
Ek pal to ab humein
Jeene do jeene do


Saari umar hum
coding kar ke jee liye
Ek pal to ab humein jeene do
Jeene do


Na na na….Na na na….Na na na….Na na nana na….


Give me bed of mine....
Give me some peace of Mind... ..
Give me another night...
i wanna sleep once aggaain..


Give me bed of mine....
Give me some peace of Mind... ..
Give me another night...
i wanna sleep once aggaain..


Na na na….Na na na….Na na na….Na na nana na….

- Loveable Poet                          Give Comment

Sunday, May 2, 2010

100 Simple Ways 2 Be Positive

01. Call an old friend, just to say hi.

02. Hold a door open for a stranger.

03. Invite someone to lunch.

04. Compliment someone on his or her appearance.

05. Ask a coworker for their opinion on a project.

06. Bring cookies to work.

07. Let someone cut in during rush hour traffic.

08. Leave a waitress or waiter a big tip.

09. Tell a cashier to have a nice day.

10. Call your parents.

11. Let someone know you miss them.

12. Treat someone to a movie.

13. Let a person know you really appreciate them.

14. Visit a retirement center.

15. Take a child to the zoo.

16. Fill up your spouse's car with gas.

17. Surprise someone with a small gift.

18. Leave a thank-you note for the cleaning staff at work.

19. Write a letter to a distant relative.

20. Tell someone you thought about them the other day.

21. Put a dime in a stranger's parking meter before the time
expires.

22. Bake a cake for a neighbor.

23. Send someone flowers to where they work.

24. Invite a friend to tea.

25. Recommend a good book to someone.

26. Donate clothing to a charity.

27. Offer an elderly person a ride to where they need to
go.

28. Bag your own groceries at the checkout counter.

29. Give blood.

30. Offer free baby-sitting to a friend who's really busy or just needs a break.

31. Help your neighbor rake leaves or shovel snow.

32. Offer your seat to someone when there aren't any left.

33. Help someone with a heavy load.

34. Ask to see a store's manager and comment on the great service.

35. Give your place in line at the grocery store to someone who has only a few items.

36. Hug someone in your family for no reason.

37. Wave to a child in the car next to you.

38. Send a thank-you note to your doctor.

39. Repeat something nice you heard about someone else.

40. Leave a joke on someone's answering machine.

41. Be a mentor or coach to someone.

42. Forgive a loan.

43. Fill up the copier machine with paper after you're done using it.

44. Tell someone you believe in them.

45. Share your umbrella on a rainy day.

46. Welcome new neighbors with flowers or a plant.

47. Offer to watch a friend's home while they're away.

48. Ask someone if they need you to pick up anything while you're out shopping.

49. Ask a child to play a board game, and let them win.

50. Ask an elderly person to tell you about the good old
days.

51. During bad weather, plan an indoor picnic with the
family.

52. Buy someone a goldfish and bowl.

53. Compliment someone on their cooking and politely ask for a second helping.

54. Dance with someone who hasn't been asked.

55. Tell someone you mentioned them in your prayers.

56. Give children's clothes to another family when your kids outgrow them.

57. Deliver extra vegetables from your garden to the whole
neighborhood.

58. Call your spouse just to say, I love you.

59. Call someone's attention to a rainbow or beautiful
sunset.

60. Invite someone to go bowling.

61. Figure out someone's half-birthday by adding 182 days, and surprise them with a cake.

62. Ask someone about their children.

63. Tell someone which quality you like most about them.

64. Brush the snow off of the car next to yours.

65. Return your shopping cart to the front of the store.

66. Encourage someone's dream, no matter how big or small it is.

67. Pay for a stranger's cup of coffee without them knowing it.

68. Leave a love letter where your partner will find it.

69. Ask an older person for their advice.

70. Offer to take care of someone's pet while they're
away.

71. Tell a child you're proud of them.

72. Visit a sick person, or send them a care package.

73. Join a Big Brother or Sister program.

74. Leave a piece of candy on a coworker's desk.

75. Bring your child to work with you for the afternoon.

76. Give someone a recording of their favorite music.

77. Email a friend some information about a topic they are especially interested in.

78. Give someone a homemade gift.

79. Write a poem for someone.

80. Bake some cookies for your local fire or police department.

81. Organize a neighborhood cleanup and have a barbecue
afterwards.

82. Help a child build a birdhouse or similar project.

83. Check in on an old person, just to see if they're
okay.

84. Ask for the recipe after you eat over at someone's
house.

85. Personally welcome a new employee at work and offer to take them out for lunch.

86. While in a car, ask everyone to buckle up because they are important to you.

87. Let someone else eat the last slice of cake or pizza.

88. Stop and buy a drink from a kid's lemonade stand.

89. Forgive someone when they apologize.

90. Wave to someone looking for a parking space when you're about to leave a shopping center.

91. Send a copy of an old photograph to a childhood
friend.

92. Leave a pint of your spouse's favorite flavor of ice cream in the freezer with a bow on it.

93. Do a household chore that is usually done by someone else in the family.

94. Be especially happy for someone when they tell you their good news.

95. Compliment a coworker on their role in a successful
project.

96. Give your spouse a spontaneous back rub at the end of the day.

97. Serve someone in your family breakfast in bed.

98. Ask someone if they've lost weight.

99. Make a donation to a charity in someone's honor.

100. Take a child to a ballgame.

- Loveable Poet                          Give Comment

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Life is Still Beautiful

20 years back - School bag. Today - Office bag.

20 years back - Lekhak Note book. Today - HP Note book.

20 years back - Hero Ranger. Today - Hero Honda.

20 years back - Half pants. Today - Full pants.

20 years back - Playing with plastic car running on battery and remote. Today - Playing with metal car running on petrol and gear.

20 years back - Scared of Teachers and exams. Today - Scared of Bosses and targets.

20 years back - Wanting to be class topper. Today - Wanting to be 'Employee of the month'.

20 years back - Quarterly exams. Today - Quarterly results.

20 years back - Annual School Magazine. Today - Company Annual Report.

20 years back - Annual exams. Today - Annual appraisals.

20 years back - Pocket money. Today - Salary.

20 years back - Waiting for Diwali crackers. Today - Waiting for Diwali bonus.

20 years back - Running after grades and prize cups. Today - Running after incentives and promotions.

20 years back - Craving for the latest toy in the market. Today – Craving for the latest gadget in the market.

20 years back - Eager to watch the latest cartoon show. Today - Eager to watch the latest blockbuster.

20 years back - Crush on class mate. Today - Crush on colleague.

So essentially nothing has changed!!

- Loveable Poet                          Give Comment

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Wah Wah!!!

Saap Ne Piya Bakri Ka Khoon ...
.
.
Waah! Waah!
.
.
Saap Ne Piya Bakri Ka Khoon ...
Good Afternoon! Good Afternoon! Good Afternoon!!


1)Tere Pyaar Mein Paagal Ho Gaya Peter ...
.
.
Waah! Waah!
.
.
Tere Pyaar Mein Paagal Ho Gaya Peter ...
Ab Hero Honda Splendor, 80 km Prati Litre .. !!


2)Bahaar Aane Se Pehle Fizaa Aa Gayii ...
.
.
Waah! Waah!
.
.
Bahaar Aane Se Pehle Fizaa Aa Gayii ....
Phool Ko Khilne Se Pehle Bakri Kha Gayii .. !!


3)Aatma Chhod Gayii Shareer Puraana ...
.
.
Waah! Waah!
.
.
Aatma Chhod Gayii Shareer Puraana ...
Didi Tera Devar Deewana .. !


4) Yashomati Maiyya Se Bole Nandlala ...
.
.
Waah! Waah!
.
.
Yashomati Maiyya Se Bole Nandlala ...
"Maa, Tata Sky Laga Daala To Life Jhingalala ....!!"


5)Hoton Pe "Haan" Hai ...
Dil Mein "Naa" Hain ....
.
.
Waah! Waah!
.
.
Hoton Pe "Haan" Hai ...
Dil Mein "Naa" Hain ...
Shashi Kapoor Kehta Hai: "Mere Paas Maa Hai ...."

- Loveable Poet                    Give Comment

The Four Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart Their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,

The second man was an Accountant,

The third man was a Chemist, and

The fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,

'T - square, do your stuff.'

T-square pranced over to the desk,

Took out some paper and pen and promptly

Drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

 

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said,

'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned

With a dozen cookies.

He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good!

 

But the Chemist said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said,

'Measure, do your stuff.'

Measure got up, walked to the fridge,

Took out a quart of milk,

Got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard

And poured exactly 8 ounces

Without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the

Government Employee and said,

'What can your cat do?'

 

The Government Employee called his cat and said,

'Coffee Break, do your stuff.'

Coffee Break jumped to his feet.......

Ate the cookies..... ..

Drank the milk.......

Ripped the paper into pieces.......

Incited a brawl with the other three cats.......

Claimed he injured his back while doing so.......

 

Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.. .....

Put in for Workers' Compensation. ......... .....and

Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

AND THAT, MY FRIEND, IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO

WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

- Loveable Poet                    Keep Comment

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Original ગુજરાતીઓ

G:- ગજબ

U :- યાદ રહીજાય તેવા

J :- જક્કાસ

A :- અલ્ટિમેટ

R :- રાપ્ચિક

A :- એડવાન્સ

T :- ટકાટક

I :- ઈન્ટેલીજન્ટ

હવે ગુજરાતીમાં સાંભળ

 

ગુ :- ગુચવી નાખે તેવા

જ :- જબ્બર માઈન્ડ વાળા

રા :- રાજ કરે એવા(બધાના દિલો પર)

તી :- તીર જેવા ધારદાર.

આ બધી જ વસ્તુઓ માત્ર એકજ કાષ્ટમાં જોવા મળે છે આને કહેવાય original ગુજરાતીઓ.....

- LoveNismi (Ansh Rav)

Doctor to Sardar

Doctor to sardar patient : Ab aapki tabiyat kaisi hai.

Sardar : Doctor saheb Pehle se jyada kharab ho gayi hai.

Doctor : dawai khali thi kya?

Sardar : Nai doctor saheb. dawai ki shishi to bhari hui thi.

Doctor : Are Sardar ji mere kehne ka matlab hai ki, dawai le li thi kya.

Sardar : Ji, aapne dawai de di thi aur maine le lit hi.

Doctor: Abe, dawai pili thi kya?

Sardar : Oho, nai doctor saheb dawai to lal thi.

Doctor : Abe GADHE, Dawai ko piliya tha kya?

Sardar : Nai. Doctor, Piliya to mujhe tha.

Doctor( in frustration) : Abe teri to, Dawai ko muh lagakar Pet me dala tha k nai?

Sardar : Nai doctor saheb.

Doctor : Kyon?

Sardar : Kyonki dhakkan band tha.

Doctor : Teri sale, to Khola kyon nai.

Sardar : Saheb, aapne hi to kaha tha ki, shishi ka dhakkan band rakhna.

Doctor : Tera ilaz main nai kar sakta.!

Sardar : Accha Doctor saheb ye to bata do ki main thik kaise hounga…

- LoveNismi (Ansh Rav)

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Why Are Indians Easy to Identify

WHY ARE INDIANS EASY TO IDENTIFY

We are like this only so true, so very true........

1. Everything you eat is savored in garlic, onion and tomatoes.

2. You try and reuse gift wrappers, gift boxes, and of course aluminum foil.

3. You are always standing next to the two largest size suitcases at the Airport.

4. You arrive one or two hours late to a party - and think it's normal.

5. You peel the stamps off letters that the Postal Service missed to stamp.

6. You recycle Wedding Gifts, Birthday Gifts and Anniversary Gifts.

7. You name your children in rhythms (example, Sita & Gita, Ram & Shyam, Kamini & Shamini)

8. All your children have pet names, which sound nowhere, close to their real names.

9. You take Indian snacks anywhere it says 'No Food Allowed.'

10. You talk for an hour at the front door when leaving someone's house.

11. You load up the family car with as many people as possible.

12. HIGH PRIORITY You use plastic to cover anything new in your house, whether it's the remote control, VCR, carpet or new couch.

13. Your parents tell you not to care what your friends think, but they won't let you do certain things because of what the other 'Uncles and Aunties' will think.

14. You buy and display crockery, which is never used, as it is for special occasions, which never happen.

15. You have a vinyl tablecloth on your kitchen table.

16. You use grocery bags to hold garbage.

17. You keep leftover food in your fridge in as many numbers of bowls as possible.

18. Your kitchen shelf is full of jars, varieties of bowls and plastic utensils (got free with purchase of other stuff).

19. You carry a stash of your own food whenever you travel (and travel means any car ride longer than 15 minutes).

20. You own a rice cooker or a pressure cooker.

21. You fight over who pays the dinner bill.

22. You live with your parents and you are 40 years old.(And they prefer it that way).

23. You don't use measuring cups when cooking.

24. You never learnt how to stand in a queue.

25. You can only travel if there are 5 persons at least to see you off or receive you whether you are traveling by bus, train or plane.

26. If she is NOT your daughter, you always take interest in knowing whose daughter has run with whose son and feel proud to spread it at the velocity of more than the speed of light.

27. You only make long distance calls after 11p.m.

28. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.

29. You call an older person you never met before Uncle or Aunty.

30. When your parents meet strangers and talk for a few minutes, you discover you're talking to a distant cousin.

31. Your parents don't realize phone connections to foreign  countries have improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their lungs when making foreign calls.

32. You have bed sheets on your sofas so as to keep them from getting dirty.

33. Its embarrassing if you're wedding has less than 600 people.

34. All your Tupperware is stained with food color.

35. You have drinking glasses made of steel.

36. You have mastered the art of bargaining in shopping.

37. You have really enjoyed reading this mail - forward it to as many Indians as possible.

I STILL LOVE TO BE AN INDIAN

- LoveNismi (Ansh Rav)

Kalyug ka Maths

1.) SSC + HSC + BMS + MBA = UNEMPLYOMENT.

2.) An Idea + An Idiot = A Dot com.

3.) Sushmita Sen - 1.2 feet = Salman Khan.

4.) 4 weeks in Switzerland + London + New Zealand + Canada = 4 minute song in Hindi movies.

5.) Rona dhona x Bewafai x Badle ki aag = Your mum's favourite serials.

6.) Amitabh Bachchan + Jaya Bachchan = Abhishek Bachchan -Talent.

7.) 1 smile + 32 teeth = Govinda

8.) 1 person - shirt = Salman Khan

9.) 1 person + straight hair + unstraight walk = Sanjay dutt

10.) 1 hand + 10 kg weight = Sunny Deol

11.) One man + one woman = Isha Deol

12.) Time waste - time = Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi

13.) Boring songs + heavy dialogues + Bogus dressing = Devdas

14.) New heroes + New heroins = a flop movie

15.) Old heroes + new heroins = a blunder

16.) Old heroes + old heroins = timepass

17.) action - suspense + comedy - thrill - story - clothes = Indiansuperhit movie

18.) Do aur do paanch = Indian algebra

19.) 1 Lady - 1/2 Clothes = Mallika Sherawat

20.) 1 Lady + 1 Buffalo = Yana Gupta,

- LoveNismi (Ansh Rav)

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Umar ka Khel

Umar 2 Saal.. Nurse Ko ankh mAre..

Umar 3 saal... Bhai ke Cigrate mein Charas dali...

Umar 4 Saal... mandir se Pandit maharaj ke chapal lay key bhaga...

Umer 5 saal... Padosiyoon ki bell Baja ke bhaga...

Umar 6 saal... school ke teacher ko luv letter likha..

Umar 7 saal... pehli baar ghar se bina paise leke bhaga...

Umar 8 Saal... Papa ki Poket se wallet gayab....

Umer 9 saal... aise waise ki cd's Ka dhaanda...

Umar 10 saal... Papa Ki car Road pe..

Umar 11 saal... his 1st candle lite date wit a gal whose 7yr elder then him..

Umar 12 saal... raat Ko subaH, subaH Ko raat....

Umar 13 saal... Hostel mein admmison...

Umar 14 saal... HeadMaster ki baitee ko ley ke Faraar...

Umar 15 saal... Sutte kI duniya Ka baenam baadshah...

Umar 16 saal... pehli baar pakhda gayaa...

Umar 17 Saal... DAaroo kuppi Ki dunya mein naya naam...

Umar 18 saal... Apne college ke principle ko Chaamat mara..

AB maLOOm padha ke Yeh Ladka kaisa Hai...!!!

- LoveNismi (Ansh Rav)

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Hindi Jokes

संता* (बंता से)- मुझे रात भर नींद नहीं आई।
*बंता* (संता से)- क्यों नहीं आई?
*संता*- क्योंकि कल रात भर नींद में मैं यही सपना देखता रहा कि मैं जाग रहा  हूं।
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जब टाइटेनिक डूब रहा था और सब भाग रहे थे, तब संता ने एक अमेरिकन से पूछा- यहां से जमीन कितनी दूर है?
*अमेरिकन* (संता से)- करीब दो मील दूर।
*संता *(अमेरिकन से)- अरे वाह! मैं तो बहुत अच्छा तैराक हूं। और वह कूद गया।
*संता *(कूदने के बाद)- जमीन किस ओर है?
*अमेरिकन*- नीचे की ओर।
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बंता आधी रात को शराब के नशे में जा रहा था। उसका एक पैर फुटपाथ पर पड़ता और दूसरा सड़क पर। पीछे से थानेदार संता ने उसे एक डंडा जमाते हुए पूछा-  क्यों रे,  कितनी पी रखी है तूने?
बंता ने संभलते हुए कहा- याद दिलाने के लिए शुक्रिया कि मैंने पी रखी है। एक घंटे से तो मैं यही सोचकर परेशान था कि मैं अचानक लंगड़ा कैसे हो गया।
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*राम* (अध्यापक से) - 'मेरा पर्चा इतना खराब तो नहीं हुआ था कि आप मुझे जीरो देते।'
*अध्यापक* (राम से) - 'यह तो मैं भी समझता हूं कि तुम्हें जीरो नहीं दिया जाना चाहिए था, पर मैं इससे कम जानता ही नहीं हूं।'
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एक गंजा मेहमान मेजबान के बच्चे से कहता है, 'बेटा तुम मुझे देखकर हंस क्यों रहे हो?'
*बच्चा- *'अंकल बात यह है कि मम्मी ने मुझे आपके कमरे में शीशा-कंघा रखने के लिए कहा है।'
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*पापा *(सोनू से)- शर्माजी की लड़की को देख, क्लास में फ‌र्स्ट आई है, और तुमने मेरी इज्जत मिट्टी में मिला दी।
*सोनू *(पापा से)- पापा, उसे ही तो देखता था, इसलिए फेल हो गया।
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*रीना *(राकेश से)- मैंने सुना है कि एक आदमी ने महज एक साइकिल के लिए अपनी पत्नी को मायके भेज दिया। तुम तो ऐसे नहीं हो न?
*राकेश *(रीना से)- नहीं डार्लिग, हरगिज नहीं। मैं इतना गिरा हुआ नहीं हूं। मैं तो कार से कम पर मानूंगा ही नहीं।
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*रीना* (राकेश से)- मैं मायके जा रही हूं, तुम्हें तलाक की नोटिस भेज दूंगी। *राकेश* (रीना से)- जाओ, जाओ मैं सब समझता हूं मीठी-मीठी बातें करके मुझे खुश करने की कोशिश मत करो।
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*पति *(पत्नी से)- अगर तुम्हें खाना बनाना आता तो मैं आया की छुट्टी कर देता।
*पत्नी *(पति से)- अगर तुम्हें प्यार करना आता तो मैं ड्राइवर की छुट्टी कर देती।
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*पत्नी* (पति से)- क्लब में आज एक दिलचस्प पार्टी है, जिसमें सदस्यों से कहा गया है कि घर से एक फालतू चीज लेकर आएं।
*पति* (पत्नी से)- तो तुम क्या ले जा रही हो?
*पत्‍‌नी *(पति से)- मुझे तो कुछ समझ में नहीं आ रहा है, लेकिन आप चल रहे हैं न!
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*संता *(अपनी बीवी को फोन करके कहता है): आज मैं घर नहीं आऊंगा।
*बीवी: *पर क्यों?
*संता: *क्योंकि मेरी गाड़ी का ब्रेक, एक्सेलरेटर, क्लच, गियर सब कुछ कोई चुरा ले गया है।
बीवी: अच्छा। संता का फिर थोड़ी देर बाद फोन आया और बोला: मैं घर आ रहा हूं।
*बीवी: *पर कैसे?
*संता: *अरी, मैं पीछे की सीट पर बैठ गया था।
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संता अपने मैरिज सर्टिफिकेट को एक घंटे से देखे जा रहा था।
*बंता *(संता से)- यार संता, तुम इतनी देर से अपनी मैरिज सर्टिफिकेट में क्या देख रहे हो?
*संता *(बंता से)- एक्सपाइरी डेट ढूंढ रहा हूं।
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*संता *(बंता से)- तुम सोकर कितने बजे उठते हो?
*बंता *(संता से)- जब सूरज की किरणें खिड़कियों से होकर मेरे कमरे में आने लगती हैं।
*संता *(बंता से)- वाह, तुम तो एकदम सुबह उठ जाते हो।
*बंता *(संता से)- नहीं, दरअसल मेरी खिड़कियां पश्चिम की तरफ खुलती हैं।
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एक बार संता सिंह को 20 लाख की लॉटरी खुली। संता सिंह पैसे लेने लॉटरी वाले के पास गए।
नंबर मिलाने के बाद लॉटरी वाले ने कहा कि ठीक है सर हम आपको अभी 1 लाख रुपए देंगे और बाकी के 19 लाख आप अगले 19 हफ्तों तक ले सकते हैं।
संता सिंह बोले नहीं मुझे अपने पूरे पैसे अभी ही चाहिए नहीं तो आप मेरे 5 रुपए वापस कर दीजिए।
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संता और बंता को तीन बम मिले।
दोनों पुलिस थाने में देने गए।
*बंता* (संता से)- अगर इसमें से एक बम फट गया तो..
*संता* (बंता से)- हम कह देंगे कि हमें केवल दो ही बम मिले थे।
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*बंता* (संता से)- ऐसा लगता है कि वो लड़की ऊंचा सुनती है। मैं कुछ कहता हूं वो कुछ और ही बोलती है।
*संता *(बंता से)- वो कैसे?
*बंता*- मैने कहा आई लव यू, तो वह बोली मैंने कल ही नए सैंडल खरीदे हैं।
________________________________________________

*सोनू *(मोनू से)- तुम्हारी छतरी में तो छेद है।
*मोनू *(सोनू से)- हां पता है और इसे मैंने ही किया है।
*सोनू*- लेकिन क्यों?
*मोनू*- अरे यार जब बारिश बंद होती है तो पता चल जाता है।
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*मास्टर जी *(रोहन से)- तुम्हारी जेब में तीन पाई हैं। अगर इसमें एक पाई और डाल दें तो क्या होगा?
*रोहन *(मास्टर जी से)- मेरी जेब फट जाएगी।
*मास्टर जी*- वह कैसे?
*रोहन *- आप खुद बताइए मेरी इतनी छोटी जेब में चारपाई कैसे आएगी!
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*सुरेश *(चिंटू से)- चिंटू, तुमने अभी तक दुनिया का नक्शा क्यों नहीं खरीदा?
*चिंटृू *(सुरेश से)- पिताजी कहते हैं कि दुनिया तेजी से बदल रही है। मैंने सोचा, जब स्थिर हो जाएगी तब खरीदूंगा।
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*पिता *(पुत्र से)- बेवकूफ यह क्या कर रहा है? हाथों के बल क्यों चल रहा है?
*पुत्र *(पिता से)- आपकी इच्छा का पालन कर रहा हूं डैडी। आपने कहा था न, अगर तू फेल हो गया, तो घर में कदम नहीं रखने दूंगा।
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*पिता *(पुत्र से)- बेटा स्कूल में यह इनाम क्यों मिला है?
*पुत्र *(पिता से)- वाद विवाद में एक घंटा बोलने पर।
*पिता*- अच्छा वाद विवाद का विषय क्या था?
*पुत्र*- कम बोलने से होने वाले फायदे।
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*सोनू* (मां से)- मां, आज मेरा दोस्त मेरे घर आ रहा है घर के सभी खिलौने छुपा दे।
*मां* (सोनू से)- तुम्हारा दोस्त चोर है क्या?
*सोनू*- नहीं वह अपने खिलौने पहचान लेगा।
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सोनू को मैथ्स के पेपर में जीरो मिला।
*मां *(सोनू से)- सोनू ! तुम्हें मैथ्स में जीरो क्यों मिला?
*सोनू *(मां से)- मां टीचर के पास स्टार खत्म हो गए थे तो उन्होंने प्लेनेट देना शुरू कर दिया।
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*पति* (पत्नी से)- क्यों न आज की चाय बाहर चलकर पी जाए।
*पत्नी* (पति से)- क्यों तुम्हें क्या लगता है कि मैं चाय बनाते-बनाते थक गई हूं।
*पति*- अरे नहीं, दरअसल मैं ही कप प्लेट धोते-धोते तंग आ गया हूं।
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*प्रिया* (पति से)- मैंने सुना है कि इस मौसम की चांदनी रातों में समझदार लोग भी पागल हो जाते हैं?
पति ने लंबी सांस लेते हुए जवाब दिया, हां, ऐसे ही मौसम की एक चादंनी रात में मैंने तुम्हें शादी के लिए प्रपोज किया था।
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*पत्नी* (पति से) - आज तक तुमने अपनी जिंदगी में किया ही क्या है?
*पति *(पत्नी से)- मैंने अपना जीवन खुद बनाया है।
*पत्नी*- लो, और मैं हूं कि अब तक ईश्वर को दोष दे रही थी।
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*पत्नी* (पति से)- सुनो जी, अगर इसी रफ्तार से तुम्हारे सिर के बाल झड़ते रहे तो एक दिन मैं तुम्हें तलाक दे दूंगी। मुझे गंजे लोग बिलकुल पसंद नहीं है।
*पति* (पत्नी से)- ऐं मैं भी कितना बेवकूफ हूं, जो कुछ अच्छा मांगने के बजाए भगवान से हमेशा कहता रहा कि मेरे बाल सही सलामत रहे।
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*शीना* (रमेश से)- जानते हो मैंने 16 सोमवार व्रत रखा, सालों मंदिरों में मन्नत मांगी, सैंकड़ों गरीबों को दान दिया, तब जाकर कहीं तुम्हें पाया है।
*रमेश* (शीना से)- अच्छा! अगर यह सब न करती तो क्या होता?
*शीना-* तो क्या, तुमसे भी गया गुजरा कोई पल्ले पड़ जाता।
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*पति *(पत्नी से)- मैंने आज रात को एक दोस्त को खाने पर बुलाया है।
*पत्नी* (गुस्से में)- तुम्हें हो क्या गया है, घर कैसे फैला हुआ है, मैं
शॅपिंग के लिए भी नहीं गई, बर्तन भी गंदे पड़े हैं और खाना भी आज अच्छा नहीं बनने वाला।
*पति *- मुझे पता है।
*पत्नी* - फिर तुमने अपने दोस्त को क्यों बुलाया?
*पति* - क्योंकि वह बेवकूफ शादी करना चाहता है।
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मालिक ने अपने सेक्रेटरी से डांटकर पूछा- मिस रीता, तुम ऑफिस में देर से क्यों आई?
*रीता *- जी, एक नौजवान मेरा पीछा कर रहा था।
*मालिक *(गुस्से में)- यह भी कोई वजह है?
*रीता *- हां बॉस..वह बहुत धीरे-धीरे चल रहा था।
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एक किशोर शराब पीकर नशे की हालत में सड़क पर खड़ा था।
*हवलदार* (किशोर से)- यहां क्यों खड़े हो?
*किशोर* - इस समय सारा शहर मेरी आंखों के सामने घूम रहा है, अपना घर आते ही घुस जाऊंगा।
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एक बार दो मनचले युवक एक समारोह में खाना खाना चले गए। समारोह के घर वालों ने एक युवक से पूछा- जी हमने आपको पहचाना नहीं, आप कैसे आए है?
युवक ने कहा- मैं लड़के वाले की तरफ से हूं। दूसरे युवक से पूछा तो उसने कहा- जी मैं लड़की वालों की तरफ से हूं।
घर वालों ने कहा- खाना बेशक खाओ, लेकिन यहां कोई शादी नहीं हो रही है, हमारे पिता जी की तेरहवीं है आज।

- LoveNismi (Ansh Rav)                      Keep Comment

Jokes

Prince Charles & Sardarji were having dinner.
Prince said, "Pass the wine you divine".
Sardar thinks "how poetic"
Sardar says, "pass the custard you bastard".

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Sardar at bar in New York.
Man on his right says "Johny Walker single"
Man on his left says "Peter Scotch single"
Sardar says - "Baljith Singh Married"

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Boss: I am giving u job as a driver. STARTING salary Rs.2000/-, is it o.k.
Sardar: U R great sir! Starting salary is o.k. ......but??
How much is DRIVING salary...?

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Sardar's theory: Moon is more impt than Sun, coz it gives light at night
when light is needed
& Sun gives light during the day when light is not needed!!!

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2 sardars are driving a Car, one puts on the indicator and asks the other to
check whether its working,
He puts his head out and says YES...NO...YES. ..NO...YES...NO...

- LoveNismi (Ansh Rav)                   Keep Comment

How Girls turn Guys down

HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like
yours

HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too !

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share !

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend !

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!

HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!

HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck !

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down .

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

- LoveNismi (Ansh Rav)                     Keep Comment

ENJOY... Jokes

If your boss says: Nothing is impossible, ask him to wear a condom after sex.

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Fact of life: When a girl attains maturity, she wants to wear a bra...
When a boy attains maturity, he wants to remove that bra.....

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Teacher: Jimmedari kya hoti hai?
Student: Madam agar apke blouse ke 4 button me se 3 tut jaye to 4th pe Jo
aati hai, usko jimmedari kehte hai.

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Love is not measured by Hugging, Kissing & sex.
It's all about Trusting Respecting & Accepting a person
With open legs, closed eyes & wet lips saying push it more.

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Lady: What is a good time for Sex?
Doctor: In the afternoon between 2 to 4.
Lady: Why?
Dr: The compounder will not be here...

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Mother found a condom in daughter's cupboard.
She went straight to her n asked: What is this?
Girl: To aap kya chahti hain, main is umar mein Maa ban jaaun?!

*.*.*.*.*

Sex is evil
Evil is sin
Sin is forgiven
So let's begin.

*.*.*.*

Boy: How much Calcium is there in women's BREAST?
Girl: Enough to help a Man's boneless thing stand up.

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